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Today I finally received my first recommendation letter in UCSD, given by a professor who got her Phd in MIT. I'm also waiting for another professor who promised to write me one either. I know this can bring me to a greater academic achievement but I don't know why I'm totally calmed. 

Maybe I understand the trade off behind it too well. Though I know I won't live in ghetto in the future, I will never be completed. Something I have let it fade, they can only become part of my memory. 

I can only do the best on something I'm able to control. For the rest, just let it be. 

Recent Watching Experience

Except Masterchef, hell's kitchen etc Gordon Ramsey's collection, I found one interesting- Touch. It's talking about a kid who never speak but observed the sequence of events upcoming in the world. Simply a forecaster. The concept of the show is.. our life is basically made up by a math equation, a observed but complicated equation.

Sometimes you can think of people who passed by you on the street. Even though they passed by you closely, but most of them didn't have any connection with you. What is the probability of knowing a person who gonna affect your remaining life? Everything has a sequence.

Another one is a movie which left me speechless. I seldom watch horror movie in honest. What make this special is the director tried to mix comedy and horror together. Some people may be mad after watching this because they don't really understand what's going on in the movie.

I didn't read the original text before, I just know there are someone who control the cabin. I treated it as a normal horror movie at the first half of the movie. However when the movie goes, the scared feeling had all gone. It starts being ironic. The end just made me completely speechless. I was kinda mad when I'm done but when the scenes were recalled in my mind, I laughed. The combination is weird and ridiculous, but somehow it got the chemical effect that makes you laugh. I would still recommend this movie, it's better if you haven't read the book.

Time Series

Today's business forecasting class got approximately 10% attendance, the material corresponding to econometrics time series are so damn difficult. I tried so hard to understand them, but I failed. Its' like I'm never knowledgeable to conquer them even I have been taking econometrics courses for an academic year.


"Something you can handle it well doesn't mean you like it,
Something which always drive you crazy but you can still get addicted of it."

Its all about trust

One professor told us in today's lecture

"Its all about trust, building credibility takes so long but trust can lose in short. If there is no trust or creditability, no matter what you do, it's not gonna work."

Even thought he is talking about forecasting, this keep staying in my mind. We shouldn't make promise if we can't do it, it's too late to regret when there is no one trust ourselves. To be an adult, we should be responsible to what we have said and done. 

Talk is cheap, but sometimes in order to achieve something we are driven blind and forget the consequence of disappointing the others. 

so Keep your credibility. 

Love with addictive

I have a daily habit as every international student does, finding something to play on the screen while having dinner or lunch.

The show today was discussing about food additive. At the end of the show, a person said, "Nowadays the purpose of eating for Hong Kong people has changed. They are not trying to get any nutrition from eating, they just want to satisfy their taste bud."

When I heard this statement, my brain automatically linked it to the majority's attitude towards love nowadays. I think most people believe that the purpose of being into a relationship is that we want to get a certain amount of happiness. In this materialistic world, money becomes the "food addictive", we can randomly pick a person and add certain amount of chemicals ( going to have good foods, buying expensive clothes), "happiness" can be created. And a lot of people think this is love. (your bf would pay you for a LV bag, bring you to have a buffet dinner in four seasons)

The meaning of love is being modified wrongly.

Food additive makes a chicken become a beef, allow you to taste the best taste of food ever. However, there is no nutrition at all. Are we still eating "food"? Additive can improve a relationship sometimes for no doubt but it just too much nowadays. A relationship with real love no doubt can make you happy but it drives you exhausting, frustrating and paranoid too. Without these we are just having a relationship which fill up with addictive. It's not love.

For decades, the meaning of love has never changed. The only change is our value towards love, making ourselves easier to achieve it. It is kind of a escapism, love won't exist in this way still. The meaning of love is simple, but to achieve it is difficult ever.

What we have experienced is what we've got

Initially, I was typing a long essay with pictures about my Europe trip. After typing few hundred words, I felt so tired and finally gave up.

One statement suddenly pops up in my mind.

While I'm having my trip in Europe, I talked to one person when I was going to take rest at the hotel. I said, "Traveling alone is so poor, you can't even have a nice pic that included yourself."

She replied me, "Does it matter? Isn't all in your mind?"

Right. Traveling is an experience, we don't need to have nice pictures to prove we have been there or show off how luxurious life we are having. Every scene you have seen, sound you have heard, air you have breathed, its all yours. Only ourselves know.

Marriage?

A dinner with my relatives as usual, my aunt told a depressing news about my cousin to us. Not surprisingly - she got divorced with her husband.

Before they got married, they had been together around more then 4 years. They are both successful in their career. Therefore they are lucky that both of them don't have any financial issue. By time goes by, this man finally got admit by the female's mom. After that, they naturally married each other and made two babies. 

They spent their life like more than 10 years, nothing special during this period. While his husband tried hard on his responsibility to take care of their children, my cousin achieved her success on her career  further away. Her boss relied on her so much, allowing her to have meeting overseas and letting her to handle the whole department in China. Yeah right, sounds kind of perfect to most people but to my cousin, one adjective to describe this marriage - Boring. His husband is not stupid at all, at the moment my cousin reflected her feelings, he tried hard to fix it. 

The worst is yet to come, his husband got disease on his leg and almost becomes a handicap. At  this moment, his wife raised up a suggestion- Divorced. The reason of her to come up with this idea is his husband has hidden disease long ago but didn't tell her. The problem of this will affect their unborn children. 

Now, they live separately but the children are following their dad. 

When their grandma ask them, "don't you two feel sad or weird that your mom and dad aren't together?" They replied,"Why? a lot of my classmates are in the same situation." 

Rational/Irrational

After the second quarter has begun, I totally fall in to the Econ field. Besides the sucky history class, all around me are math, econ, curve, probability. I would say myself an emotional person, one of the reasons I chose to major in Econ because I want to make a balance of myself. However, till this moment, I found out its hard to staying in the grey area between rational/ irrational because life doesn't give a lot of chances to let you take a shot. For long run, once you get use to think in a rational way, it's hard to get back.

Right now, my brain is filled with numbers, curve, theory. Although I hv learned predicting human's behavior in a mean way, I still believe there is a possible outcome that someone can make me irrational.

Tron

Movie day, recently I found that every time I get into the cinema to watch Disneyland movie( or cartoon) with no surprising mood, I come out with surprise. I would say Tron is a really good movie in 2010. Even though it's not as complicated as Inception, it's ideas give certainly amount of surprises. 

The movie background is from a cartoon 1982. Since technology advanced, people can make it real now. To those people who haven't watched it, they may already conclude it's merely a movie only with 3D effects, but I raise myself a question, after certain years, would technology grow faster than human brain? Also, can we handle it afterward? 

Out of these, I always pay attention to the soundtracks in the movie, no matter batman, inception and Tron. This time, Disneyland collaborates with Daft Punk shocks everyone. Taking a glance of the movie, you gonna discover Daft Punk are actually playing roles within the movie. I laughed out loud. All soundtracks in the movie are made by them, classical music which mixed with Daft Punk electro music. Awesome. 

at the time 3am.

I couldn't believe I study till now.
I woke up at 9 today, had lecture till 8,
and I didn't even spent an hour for watching some crappy TV show.
At the time I start loving the course, it comes to the final.

Man..I still have more than 5000 words of review guide I have to go through..
Fuck it.

Thanks for the one keeps calling for encouragement and care. :D

Thanks giving

First of all, fuck it. I typed a long paragraph and mistakenly closed the browser. However, I insist to type out want I want to say in this cold lonely atmosphere pre thanks giving night.

Thanks Giving, holidays which supposed to be celebrated with family, as usual, I do it myself. Beers are so called stuff can take your emotion out but it seems kind of useless to me. I found myself drunk if the atmosphere is allowed, of cause the drug ( music) has certain effect too. I put down all my work, try to relax myself before rushing my homework through the holidays. Spending my night with this useless beer.

The difference between this thanks giving and the past- thanks giving is, my auntie gave me 10 thousand for xmas gift. Well, I'm appreciated, but I' don't really care cause I assert myself a aggressive person. Even though I don't have enough asset to purchase something, I eventually find a way to get it. So this amount would be paid for the rent. ( yes, not a exciting result)

Unless the thing I could never control is relationship between humans.

While these stupid stuffs flowing around into my head, my friend suddenly emotively share her certainly family problem to me. I think of my family suddenly..

Crap is over. Work, tolerance will be continued.

School life

Day by day, almost 3 months. In these 3 months school life, I as if haven't experienced a lot but knowledge. No doubt that I didn't expect the classes would be demanding like this, I feel anxious even though there is nothing due within the week. I believe there should be something to accomplish, assignment, exam or both.

Economics, nothing special because I have heard all of topics at least a little bit before. The most shocking subject always is the world history. I got average grade in the class which means I just got a pass in every assignment I have submitted. My friend got the same grade as I do, she felt incapable and hopeless. Comparing to her, I could feel myself a little bit relaxed.

Some people said I'm too relaxing, without dream, hope, motivation as a teenager. I wouldn't agree since we are in different perspective. I'm still finding my way out to live my life. If I'm that careless with my school work, I wouldn't be in this school currently. Just different people use different approach to solve problems.

Recently, I'm in love with this kinda stupid outfit marvels hero figure ( some of them are not from marvels hero family) It's a good way for earning money since I consume my time to buy it with low price. However, I find myself wouldn't sell them out. They recall my childhood back.

I talked to my mom by phone today, she sighs and said grandma wish someone comes up and talk to her. In these days, I have talked and listened to lots of my friend's beef but seems I have missed to communicate  with someone closed to me.

Self-motivated

THe biggest thing I have learned from studying overseas is not blaming to the other's but myself. Like Professor Treanor said" don't blame on the text is boring, blame on yourself not clever enough to understand them." 

I remember when I first came to the states and received a non-passing grade, its like end of the world. I was pissed off and thought of a thousand reasons to argue with my professors. No doubt, I was failed to do so, since she got the power, experience to deal with students like me. 

The only way I could do was showing them how fucked up I could be if I failed my paper. This worked in college. But now, it's an University. No excuse accepted, discipline is expected. 

What I can do is keep studying, trying my best with no regrets..
Sometimes I know what you pay is not equal to what you get but if you wouldn't pay, don't ever think of getting back a penny. 

I screwed up my first history midterm, but the score is out of my expectation. I can feel helping form friends is how important. I told a lot of people I was studying like dying for this midterm. Comparing to people who stay library for studying almost 10 hours per day, I was nothing. 

life

Just some experience in these days.

The first was occurred in a bus.

An elder suddenly fall down because the bus driver made a hard brake.

Due to this situation, the driver had to stop the bus and call his supervisor..

paper work to every passenger in order to record what was going on.

No doubt the words come from those passengers included me were " fuck it"

The elder begged the driver don't stop the bus and just keep going on because he 

felt like guilty making everyone sit in the bus like dumb-ass for 15mins. 

The second one is about my friend, 

a good person who I met during a most suck class- making of modern world. 

A person who can stay school 8-9 hours per day for studying, native speaker. 

Finally get a same grade ( bad but pass) of writing assignment with me from a Harvard TA. 

Last but not least, 

was suggested breaking up by her bf who had been in relationship for 4 years. 

But both of them are still living their life,

what should be my reasons to give up? 

Frustrated

I regret I never stick to the thing I like and I want.

 

I'm left to this empty place.

People are gone,

without leaving stain. 

And I'm so incapable to catch my direction back.  

no title.

After a long distance adventure,
I find a rest area.
My life is temporarily silent,
but thats what I want,
staying in the middle.

The New Begin

Finally, I get back to this strange place which I have been living for 2years. After taking rest for the first night, I wake up so early in order to start my new adventure. Car, GPS are prepared, I down to San Diego without any hesitate.  With the beautiful sunshine, I successfully get my new home.

My mission is done today, i bring my tired body back to LA, so it goes. After 30 mins driving distance, my car gets exhausted. First, the battery indicator is thrown up. Second, the ABS system. Third, Air Bag. The worst is yet to come, Fifth, Brake.

I drive with 70mph at that time, and my car tells me: your brake is doesn't work right now. I feel like myself getting cancer. A "boom" sound comes out from the engine, then my car die out at the fastest lane in I-5. At that second, all the cars behind as if tidewater rushing to me. I have no choice, I immediately grab my steering wheel, my car across 4 lanes and get slower and slower. It dies out on the side of the freeway. My brain questions me if I'm still alive.

I'm experiencing a classical american movie scene, in the middle of the freeway, all i see is mountain and ocean. After giving a call, someone eventually discovers where I'm.  I don't feel sad, cause this is just "Something happened in my life."